The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

Making those obligatory phone calls to keep in touch with friends is something I generally put off doing.  Mostly because they tend to take too long, and partially because I’m a major jerk who probably doesn’t deserve to have any friends.

You have to admit, though, that the longer it’s been since you’ve last talked to someone, the longer you know you’ll have to stay on the phone with them catching up.  An organized person would probably say that you should just call them more often to keep that from happening.  But who has the time to do that?

I say, do what I do.  Put the call off until A) The person has gotten so fed up with you that they dump you as a friend…meaning no more long phone calls yay!!! or B) You’re faced with a task that is so loathsome, that making those phone calls sounds like a great way to avoid doing it.

I have managed to keep most of my friends by choosing B) almost every time.  Making long-winded phone calls to long lost friends is a fantastic way to avoid doing my least favorite task of all: work.  Thank you, my dear friends, for pouring over every minute detail of your dating lives to such an extent that I’ll never have worry about falling victim to a bout of unintentional productivity.  I don’t know what this slob would do without you!

Like to do work at Starbucks, but running out of ways to waste useful time?  Follow these handy tips and you’ll be getting nothing done in no time!

1. Come up with an overly complex coffee order and practice it over an over again in your head.  Write it down for reference and be sure to have a look of indignation ready for when the barista looks at you with that pissed off, “are you really doing this to me?” look on his or her face.
2. Choreograph a dance routine to the in-house music.  Perform it for your fellow patrons.
3. Watch the ridiculous faces people make while looking at their laptops.
4. Spill your drink everywhere.  Get as many people as possible involved in the clean-up process.  See if you can borrow a caution cone.  All big spills are better with cones.  Keep saying in a loud voice, “I never do things like this…really!”
5. Shop for coffee implements you’ll never use.
6. Quiz the barista on the differences between the Sumatran and Guatemalan blends.
7. Pick someone to stare at.  Continue to do so until they look like they’re about to punch you, then flee in fear.  If you still feel guilty about ditching your work, wait until they actually punch you, then go home and get some ice.
8. Start offering sexual favors in exchange for free lattes.  Do so until the police are called.  Escape on foot.
9. Lock yourself in the bathroom until you come up with a reason to have a panic attack.  Then have one.  It’s not necessary to leave the bathroom for this purpose…in fact…being locked in a enclosed space adds realism.  Just be sure to scream a lot and pound on the door.
10. Start writing a list of ways to procrastinate while working at Starbucks.  It worked for me : )