The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

Unfortunately, the organized world has figured out a way to deal with disorganized slobs like us.  They hand out telephones to the most miserable bottom-feeding creatures they can find, and then they give them our phone numbers and tell them to call us up and try as hard as possible to ruin our day.  These wretched beings are known as bill collectors, and these are the type of beings who, once incarcerated, would never be offered parole because they are incapable of feeling sympathy for another human being.  Do not attempt to explain your situation to a bill collector, because understanding is beyond them.  The only way to react to bill collectors is to fight back.  As a human being, you are flawed, it is your right to be flawed, and it is insane for these troglodytes to imply that you are a bad person or that you should be ashamed just because you forgot to send a piece of mail.  It would be even more insane for you to believe them.

If a bill collector is going to insist on destroying your weekend by calling you at eight in the morning to harass you about money you already know you owe, the least you can do is make him feel just as miserable as you do.  These are just a few of the options for doing so.

1. Preach: When the collector asks why you haven’t paid your bill yet, go into a long sermon about how money is the invention of the devil. Shout, scream, cry, sing, and chant, or do anything else that you feel helps you get your point across.  Do not stop until you get him to hang up on you.  Collection calls are a sort of chicken fight based around intimidation and annoyance.  If you can get him to hang up first, you win.
2. Flirt: There is nothing more irritating when you are trying to intimidate and harass someone than the other person becoming turned on by it.  Find every threat he makes very exciting and tell him so.  When he asks you when you plan to pay, tell him, “When I have you here to pay in person, in sweet love and kisses.”  Again, this should keep him away for a few hours.
3. Tell him you will put him in touch with your financial secretary: Leave the phone with your cat to handle the situation.
4. Laugh: Again, the secret is reacting to their call in a way that infuriates them and makes them feel like failures.  Laughing in their ear should do the trick.  The meaner they get, the funnier you should find it.  Laugh so hard that you have to drop the phone, or call your spouse or roommate over to get in on the joke.
5. Play deaf: The more someone has to repeat himself, the more he loses track of the meaning of what he is trying to say. Don’t bother to ham it up.  Just keep it simple and keep asking, “What?” or “I’m sorry, one more time?”  He will give up eventually.  Or, he’ll lose his voice.  Either way you come out on top.
6. Distract: Keep him from getting his point across by telling him that you always wanted to be a bill collector.  Ask him how he got started and how you can too.  Be so friendly and happy to be talking to him that he questions his abilities and wonders if he should look into a new line of work.  If he stays on task for a while, act impressed by each bullying line he gives you, then repeat them back to him imitating his tone.  Be sure to ask how he thinks you did.
7. Blow a whistle into the phone

If you happen to forget one or all of the ingredients in a dish, or you find some entirely new and creative way to ruin it, there are several recovery steps you can take.

1. Rename the dish immediately!  You can’t very well call something “Meringue Pie” if you’ve forgotten to buy eggs.  Call it “Lemon Pudding” instead or “Lemon Flan”.
2. Add sugar.  Almost everything tastes better when it is sweet, and sweet foods are easier to forgive for being bad.
3. Add toppings.  Toppings such as whipped cream, chives, cinnamon, sprinkles, sour cream, cheese crumbles etc. can help a sad and ugly dish look festive.  If you’ve really messed up, use enough toppings to cover the dish entirely.
4. Add rice.  It’s amazing how many foods taste great mixed with rice.  It’s probably because rice doesn’t really taste like anything.  Rice even shows up in deserts, so don’t worry.  If you are short on ingredients, just add rice, and you’ll turn a couple cups of mush into a whole bowlful of dinner.
5. Use creative presentation.  Sometimes recipes don’t yield as much as we expect them to.  This is generally due to an agregious measuring error.  The trick to dealing with this situation is going gourmet.  Spend a little extra time arranging the small portion of food on each guest’s plate.  Add a sprig of parsley.  Parsley makes everything look prettier.  If the guests are convinced the food in front of them is “gourmet” they will be happy to be sent home starving.  They would normally pay through the nose to starve like that, and you have given them the opportunity to do it for free.
6. Go spicy.  The spicier the food, the harder it is to tell what it tastes like.  No one will know that you made a mistake, and they’ll be too busy drinking water and fanning themselves to care.
7. Change the place of origin.  If you say the recipe you tried is from your aunt in Long Island, guests will be much more appalled by its disgusting flavor than if it comes from New Guinea, or Zimbabwe, or Bangladesh.  People expect foreign foods to taste strange and have questionable palatability.

Forgetting appointments can be tricky, because there is often someone else’s money and time involved, but don’t  let guilt take over.  Remember, it is normal to forget appointments now and then, so just stick to your guns.  What are you supposed to do, right down every little appointment and check the list every day?  You aren’t Santa Claus.  Below are ways to handle the situation with grace and style.

Take a Stance: Decide that this is the day you will become political.  Call up the doctor, or manicurist, or Pilate’s instructor and tell them that you are staging a protest against their services.  Come up with a reason, but don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense, they will be tuning you out at this point anyway.  Tone is important, however, so make sure you sound angry and driven to action.  Then, make sure you ask politely if you can reschedule.

Be Conveniently Confused: Go to the office, or beauty shop, or fitness center the next day and act irate when you see that the person is with another client.  Demand that they get themselves organized before making anymore appointments with you.  Be sure to mention that you value your time, and they should too.  They’ll be so embarrassed for you when they realize you are wrong that they won’t contend the point.  Make sure they give you the most convenient next meeting to make up for wasting your day.

Escape a Catastrophe: When the person calls to find out why you missed your appointment, act confused.  Say, “What do you mean I missed it, we were evacuated because of the chemical leak.”  When they ask you what you are talking about, become very concerned.  Say, “My god, you don’t even remember, you must have been very badly exposed.  You should get off the phone with me and call the doctor right now.”  Even if they catch you on this one, they’ll probably just label you as crazy, which is also a great way of escaping responsibility.

Complicate Your Life

Got too much time on your hands? Getting too much done?  It’s okay.  An easy way to avoid irksome efficiency is by committing yourself to as much as possible.  Take on new duties, gather obligations, and say an enthusiastic yes to every opportunity that comes your way.  You’ll be missing appointments, half-assing important projects, and spreading general disappointment in no time!!!

Celebrate Your Stuff

Remember that more is more…which is always better when it comes to stuff.  Collect as much as possible, because everyone likes someone with lots of fun toys and cool conversation pieces around the house.  Never throw out papers, because you’ll always need them again for some sort of legal dispute.  Hang on to clothing as long as possible because the trend cycle is moving much faster these days, and those knee-length neon bicycle shorts should be in style again in about a month.

Pack Your Place

Make sure you are putting enough effort into filling every corner of your house with things.  Rid yourself of annoying open spaces, and get creative.  Find new ways to store items that nobody has ever thought of before.  Hang bras from lampshades, store dishes in the microwave, and create a stockpile of socks on the dog bed.

Hone Your Routine

Sleep in, make important phone calls while driving, buy expensive coffee, and do whatever you can in the time that’s left…or just hang on the couch and watch reality TV.

Live Your Dream

Set your expectations low.  This way you’ll always feel like you’ve accomplished something.  Reward yourself often for small achievements…like making it to work, finding your keys, and wearing two of the same shoe.  Invite friends over often to let them admire your dazzling den of clutter.

Tap into Resources

Call on friends to help you make excuses whenever possible.  Borrow the things you can’t find.  Expect praise whenever you arrive anywhere less than an hour late.  That’s what REAL friends do!  You are a happy and independent slob, and it’s your turn to stand tall!

Last night I forgot a whole bag of groceries at the supermarket.  I didn’t realize this until I had, of course, already unloaded all the other groceries and stashed away all the grocery bags.  So before I could head back to reclaim my lost satchel, I’d have to locate my receipt.  Oh god!

I searched every single plastic baggy in my kitty-litter-baggy-bin to no avail.  I called up the store and mentioned that when I got home, one of my grocery bags was “missing”.  This basically implied that it was their fault, and that they had somehow forgotten to give it to me.  The implication wasn’t entirely accidental and I almost feel bad about passing along the blame…ALMOST.   

I finally found the receipt in my purse, tucked neatly in my wallet.  What the hell was it doing there?  Eventually I drove back to the store and was reunited with my turkey bacon and ground turkey. (I was in a turkey mood…what?)

As naturally disorganized and forgetful slobs, it’s important to accept the fact that grocery shopping isn’t always going to be the easiest task. Here are some of the common problems you might encounter:

• It’s more than likely that you will go to the store and shop for an hour, only to forget to buy the one thing you went there for.  This item will probably be toilet paper, so don’t panic, there are plenty of other household items that can do the trick until you’re able to get back to the store.  I like to use my credit card bills.
• Don’t be surprised if you finish checking out at the register only to realize that your wallet is unexpectedly missing.   As you realize that you left it in your car, your gym back, or at work, don’t let embarrassment and shame take over.  Simply look the clerk in the eye, take an impatient stance, and say something like, “What? Oh, you still use money here?  That’s so ten years ago.”  As you walk out, throw your hands up in the air in exasperation.  If you’re not feeling this solution you can always just fake senility, or simple hide your face in your shirt and run…FAST!    
• I am a big fan of making lists and I bet you are too.  They are such a great way of avoiding doing actual things.  That said, you probably wont be able to find your shopping list by the time you get to the store.  Definitely pour your entire purse out onto the floor of the frozen foods aisle before you start to stress.  It’s probably in there somewhere.  If not, simply buy one item for each letter of the alphabet.  That’s a great way to make sure you have your bases covered, and really, you can never have enough quinces, zuchinni, and xylitol.
• I not too fond of using grocery carts, because I hate having to put them away after loading up my trunk.  I usually just carry the groceries around in my arms.  This means that it’s very important for slobs like us to keep up our weight training routines, and it’s not a bad idea to take up juggling.  It’s also very important to have a response in mind for when the store employee asks you how you dropped and broke a jar of pickles, a bottle of vinegar, and full carton of eggs all at the same time.  I live in California, so I think a very localized earthquake is always a reasonable explanation.
• Finally, coupons.  Don’t bother.  You’re never going to remember that you have them when you’re actually at the store, so if you really love clipping bits of paper that much, you’d be better off taking up decoupage or joining a scrap-booking club.

1. Taped  to your pillow
2. On the floor with a thumb tack through ‘em – pain and bleeding is a great way to get your own attention.
3. Stuck to the TV – if you have to move it out of the way before you can have couch time, you might just notice it
4. Stapled to the dog…just kidding…use twist ties instead
5. Tie it around your neck – then again, this one might not work on the most talented and oblivious slobs
6. Over your windshield.  This one will only work if you make sure to completely obstruct the driver’s side view…or else you may just ignore it and drive to work.   Then again, this may not be the best technique to use with confidential materials.  You may not want to drive around with a document entitled, “Herpes Test Results” stuck to your windshield.
7. In the fridge – just kidding, you’ll never find anything in that mess
8. Between your couch cushions.  You’ll have a good chance of finding it the next time you go digging for loose change.
9. In your bra.  That way, even if you can’t find ‘em, your next date probably will.
10. Next to your pot, chocolate, or favorite bottle of booze – the few things you NEVER have trouble finding.

1. As you put things away that you really care about shout, “I sure don’t care if I lose this!” The gremlins only like to hide things that are important to you.
2. Bribery.  Leave cookies or money in the pockets of your clothes or in your favorite shoes.  You may want to attach a little note so the gremlin knows it’s for him.
3. When something goes missing, start calling people and telling them how happy you are to be rid of it.  Again, reverse psychology is really quite effective on imaginary creatures…so are anti-psychotic medications ; )
4. Get drunk.  This may not actually help the situation, but you’ll feel much better
5. Bright light, water, and snacks after midnight…wait…that’s the other type of Gremlin isn’t it.

Slobs are naturally forgetful people, and personally, I’m a fan of forgetting things.  Doing so rids me of the pesky inconvenience of having to remember them.  It also saves me time, money, and wrapping paper.  That said, for some reason, birthdays are one of those things people (especially those who like to have reasons to make you feel guilty) expect you to remember.  In the very likely case that you HAVE forgotten someone’s birthday, here are a few marginally effective tips to help you handle the situation.

Flattery: This is a timeless technique that instantly puts the person back on your side.  Say something like, “You’ve always had this timeless quality about you, and it’s hard for me to believe you ever have birthdays.”

Creativity: Once you forget the birthday, go ahead and wait another 3-6 months before you call the person.  Tell them you didn’t want your birthday wish for them to get lost in the crowd.  You were just trying to be original.

Invent a Reason: If you remember the birthday later that night, but you are afraid it is too late to call them, wait another few hours until the middle of the morning.  Call them at 3 or 4AM and say, “Oops, I am observing, live like another time zone day.  It’s 8:00 PM here.”  They’ll be sure to laugh right along with you.

Distraction: Call them and tell them something really horrible, like your dog was hit by a car and will now have to hop the rest of his life.  Cry very hard and get the birthday boy or girl to cry along with you.  When you have both cried your hearts out significantly say, “Just kidding, happy belated birthday.”  The birthday boy or girl will be so relieved that little Scruffy is okay that he or she wont have any energy left to be angry at you for forgetting a silly little birthday.

Like to do work at Starbucks, but running out of ways to waste useful time?  Follow these handy tips and you’ll be getting nothing done in no time!

1. Come up with an overly complex coffee order and practice it over an over again in your head.  Write it down for reference and be sure to have a look of indignation ready for when the barista looks at you with that pissed off, “are you really doing this to me?” look on his or her face.
2. Choreograph a dance routine to the in-house music.  Perform it for your fellow patrons.
3. Watch the ridiculous faces people make while looking at their laptops.
4. Spill your drink everywhere.  Get as many people as possible involved in the clean-up process.  See if you can borrow a caution cone.  All big spills are better with cones.  Keep saying in a loud voice, “I never do things like this…really!”
5. Shop for coffee implements you’ll never use.
6. Quiz the barista on the differences between the Sumatran and Guatemalan blends.
7. Pick someone to stare at.  Continue to do so until they look like they’re about to punch you, then flee in fear.  If you still feel guilty about ditching your work, wait until they actually punch you, then go home and get some ice.
8. Start offering sexual favors in exchange for free lattes.  Do so until the police are called.  Escape on foot.
9. Lock yourself in the bathroom until you come up with a reason to have a panic attack.  Then have one.  It’s not necessary to leave the bathroom for this purpose…in fact…being locked in a enclosed space adds realism.  Just be sure to scream a lot and pound on the door.
10. Start writing a list of ways to procrastinate while working at Starbucks.  It worked for me : )