The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

In yet another example of why truly organized people are out of their freakin’ minds, I submit table 20-1 from Organizing for Dummies.  The book suggests that mornings aren’t a great time for clear thinking (I agree wholeheartedly!), so one’s routine for getting out of the house in the morning should be planned just like any other project.  Um…no.  If I’m not thinking clearly, which I never am before about 10:30am, the LAST thing I want to get involved in is a project of any kind.  How does that make my life easier?  Getting out of the house is miserable enough…now it’s a “project”?  Delightful!

But the book goes on to provide this charming little mathematical equation, disguised as a to do list, so those of us hoping to turn around our disorganized ways can easily calculate how much time we’ll need to get out of the house.

Okay, I understand that putting a little thought into just about anything will make it easier to accomplish, but really, I can’t maybe ballpark this?  I need a whole chart?  And they’re not fooling me with this whole checklist concept, I know subtraction when I see it, and that’s my cue to start running.  I promise you that if math is involved, NOTHING is getting done faster.  Working with numbers is one of the most effective ways to slow my life down.  If it hadn’t been for math class, I’d probably have finished junior high school in three months.  I’m just saying.

So here’s the chart that’s supposed to simplify all our lives:

I resent the idea of this kind of chart to begin with,  not to mention the fact that they ask you to calculate coffee drinking and paper reading times, which I think just takes all the fun out of both activities.  I can also assure you that to actually make this chart work, if I was really going to bother with it, I’d have to take into account any number of impossible to predict variables that this chart blatantly ignores.  Oh, and by the way, you’re supposed to work backwards to come to the correct get-out-of-bed-time.  If these people are so efficient, why couldn’t they come up with a chart you can do forwards?

Here’s my version:

To use this chart correctly, I’d probably have to plan to go to bed during lunch the day before, a plan of which I don’t think my boss would approve.  I think I’ll stick with my current strategy of coming up with fabulously creative excuses for my lateness.  It seems to have worked for me this far.

Despite having hit the snooze alarm three times this morning, I still woke up in plenty of time to get dressed and make it to the court house for jury duty.  So, your guess is as good as mine as to how I ended up leaving the house with only thirty minutes to drive all the way downtown in LA traffic.

Already panicked, I must have misread or misunderstood the directions I scrawled on a napkin, because I ended up in China Town.  I don’t know if this has to do with being a slob, or just being dumb, but it happened…so let’s move on, okay?  I finally found the right street, but realized that I’d have to take the long way back across the city to get to the right address.

Pulling into the courthouse parking lot a full 30 minutes late, I had images of being scolded and publicly shamed running through my head.  Worst of all, I worried that I’d have to come back and do this again, and maybe I’d even have to go back to work today! Oh no!

I pushed and shoved through the line at the metal detectors, and body checked a pregnant woman to land a spot in one of the casket-like elevators.  When I finally burst through the doors of the jury holding cell, I was surprised to discover that absolutely nothing was going on.  I didn’t need to check in.  There had been no orientation or missed important announcements; there wasn’t even a brawny female bailiff there to yell at me.

I quietly took a seat an realized that if there’s any institution that can be counted upon to be more disorganized than I, it’s the United States legal system.  God bless America!

For years, I have been begging my family and friends to lie to me about time.  I have a disease…I know I do.  Huge chunks of time can pass without me feeling a damn thing.  Thirty minutes late is more that “common” for me, it’s my M.O.  Time and I just don’t have a healthy working relationship, and I wish that my loved ones could be supportive and understanding about that.  It’s not like I don’t go into these situations with good intentions, but I just don’t know what happens!  I start off with a reasonable goal in mind, like showering, getting dressed, and downing a quick breakfast within an hour.   Other people do it, so why can’t I?  It just doesn’t happen.  Some small shiny object, or super comfy spot on the bed distracts me just long enough to suck twenty or thirty minutes from my life without me even realizing it.  I just can’t be held responsible for that.  It’s my nature, people!  So you all better get on board with this whole lying thing.  You can call it juvenile, pathetic, or just plain ridiculous, but if you’d like me to show up somewhere at a specific time, then you better start building in that slob buffer, or you’ll be the one suffering from my lateness.  Cuz believe me…as much as I try to be bothered by it, my own crappy time management skills suit me just fine…and THAT’S the truth!!!

Being Organized Means Having More Time with Friends and Family

No way.  A lot of organization and productivity techniques ask you to prioritize work over chitchat and socializing. How many friend do you think you’d have left if you always put work first?  Exactly.  You may be a slob, but at least people like you.

Making those obligatory phone calls to keep in touch with friends is something I generally put off doing.  Mostly because they tend to take too long, and partially because I’m a major jerk who probably doesn’t deserve to have any friends.

You have to admit, though, that the longer it’s been since you’ve last talked to someone, the longer you know you’ll have to stay on the phone with them catching up.  An organized person would probably say that you should just call them more often to keep that from happening.  But who has the time to do that?

I say, do what I do.  Put the call off until A) The person has gotten so fed up with you that they dump you as a friend…meaning no more long phone calls yay!!! or B) You’re faced with a task that is so loathsome, that making those phone calls sounds like a great way to avoid doing it.

I have managed to keep most of my friends by choosing B) almost every time.  Making long-winded phone calls to long lost friends is a fantastic way to avoid doing my least favorite task of all: work.  Thank you, my dear friends, for pouring over every minute detail of your dating lives to such an extent that I’ll never have worry about falling victim to a bout of unintentional productivity.  I don’t know what this slob would do without you!