The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

Sometimes I think Murphy’s Law might be just a little bit meaner to slobs than it is to normal people.  This could  just be my own bad luck, but random acts of misfortune do seem to follow me wherever I go.  If I’m already late, I can’t find my keys.  If I’m feeling anti-social and ugly, I run into some classmate I haven’t seen in ten years.

Last night I had just finished the free Pilates class they offer at my work.  I had worn socks to class, and having forgotten flip flops or sneakers, had nothing to wear out to my car but my black work pumps. Besides my sexy white sweat socks and pumps, I was wearing tight black yoga pants and a pink long sleeved v-neck sweater with my red workout t-shirt still showing underneath.  Needless to say this was quite an ensemble.

Normally I am a big fan of going places in random outfits…especially pajamas.  It gives me a sense of power and freedom, and it keeps me from having to do all that “getting dressed” and “looking presentable” stuff.  But when I venture out in these outrageous getups.  There are very specific rules about where I’ll go and in what.  I’m not a crazy person, after all, just a lazy one.  Long pajamas or scrubs with slippers are fine for Starbucks and the grocery store.  No bra or makeup is okay for Seven Eleven.  I can run out to the car and back wearing a nighty, but only if it’s before noon on a Sunday.  The outfit I wore last night is strictly for driving from one place to another…or maybe for pumping gas.

But last night I decided to take a gamble.  I only had to get cat food and lettuce from the market, and I figured there was at least a sixty percent chance I wouldn’t run into anyone I know.  Of course with my luck…that means that there was about an eighty percent chance I’d run into an ex-boyfriend, and about a thirty percent chance I’d run into my boss immediately after accidentally farting in public.

Neither of these happened, thank goodness, but I didn’t exactly slip in and out of there without making a scene.  I had been tossing all the loose change that floats in the bottom of my purse into this empty Crystal Light box on my desk.  It had gotten pretty full, and I was flat broke (big surprise), so I figured the Crystal Light piggy bank would probably be enough to cover my purchases.

My market has one of those nifty Coin Star machines that turn a jingly purse into a virtual slot machine.  I love the excitement of watching the little number display click away as I toss all my loose change in there.  Sometimes I’ll slap the machine and drop to my knees screaming, just to embrace the thrill of the moment.  I watched the total grow to a healthy jackpot of $20.18, then I hit the “print receipt” button while gloating and shouting “Take that suckas!” Nothing came out.

I then got to stand there in my yoga pants, white socks, pumps, and red t-shirt v-neck sweater combo for twenty minutes while four different store employees banged on the machine and flipped the switches on and off repeatedly, while shouting at each other.  I kept begging them to just give me a voucher for twenty bucks minus the fee, but they wouldn’t do it.  It’s as if they go secret pleasure out of making me stand there in an outfit that looked like it was put together by a blind schizophrenic.  The pointing and laughing wasn’t too comforting either.

Next time I’ll at least take off the socks.

To help me earn some extra cash, my dad offered me some easy work organizing and sorting through some of his business files.  He offered me, the most disorganized, cluttered, and un-sorted girl in his life, and possibly in the world, a job putting dated materials into a discernible and useful order.  Ironic, isn’t it?  What’s even more ironic, is that I seem to be doing a fine job.  I may even be good at it.

Is it possible that my pathetic financial state and total desperation have allowed me to overcome my slovenly ways?  Or is it what I have been saying from the beginning.  Being a slob is a choice.  It’s a lifestyle choice that I am drawn to, enjoy, and happily choose to pursue and perfect, and it is something that I COULD overcome if I really needed to, or more importantly, wanted to.  But I don’t.  I love being a slob, and so should you.  It suits me just fine, makes my life easier, and it’s part of why I am proud to be me!

If You are Organized and Get Everything Done, You’ll Never Have to Give Up Something You Want to do.

That’s crazy, there is not a single thing that I want to do less than get organized.  That means that any time I am devoting to doing so, I am missing out on something else that I would like to be doing more.

It takes a seriously talented slob to impress me, but I saw some things this week, while on jury duty, that totally blew my mind.  I am all about embracing and perfecting my inner slob, but even I am intimidated by the authority posed by the Los Angeles penal system and the courts.

Last year, when a judge told me he would send a police car to the house of jurors who didn’t show up for service, I believed him.  He said perpetually late jurors would be dismissed from the case and sent back to the jury pool to start the whole tedious process over again.

Well this year, as you know, I was called for jury service once again.  Unfortunately, despite my best efforts to sound like a biased asshole, they placed me on a jury.  With the judge’s warnings circling in my mind, I made my best efforts to overcome my slovenly ways and show up at court on time.  Juror #22, however, did not let fear hold her back.

To begin with, she could not show up on time to save her life.  The court can not be called to order until EVERY juror is present, and on several occasions, she showed up more than thirty minutes late.  That meant that the entire jury had to wait outside in the hall until she decided to join us.

Besides this impressive bout of tardiness, juror #22 also had to be reminded by the bailiff that she was not allowed to SLEEP during the trial.  He did this by gently shaking her awake.  She also had to be warned that she may not send text messages from the jury box.  At one point, I heard loud scribbling behind me.  I thought maybe juror #22, moved by guilt at her slovenly behavior, had decided to start taking furious notes to catch up on the facts of the case.  I turned around to discover that her notes were, in fact, elaborate doodles which she was shading and filling in with intense focus and attention she would never show the case at hand.

While I found it irritating and unfair that juror #22 was permitted to stay on the case despite her lateness and disgracefully sloppy behavior, a very small part of me found her dedication to her slovenly ways profoundly impressive.  I found a strange inspiration in her unwillingness to conform to a single social grace or civil duty.  Then again, I also sincerely doubt that juror #22, the sole reason our jury was not able to reach a verdict, has many friends and I truly hope I never have to see her again.

Organized people in your life are probably going to accuse you of procrastination and selfishness.   They’ll probably also tell you that you’re doing things “the wrong way.”  Well who died and made them the masters of the domestic domain?  How do they know what the “right” way is?

For all they know, your way is the right way, or the better way, or even the best way.  They really can’t know until they try it for themselves. And selfish? Nothing could be further from the truth.  Perhaps the problem is that they are simply not picking up on your subtle and very thoughtful communication techniques.  Just because they don’t get you, doesn’t make you wrong.

Mostly, people just criticize others because its a fabulous way to ignore the endless list of things wrong with themselves.  You may be a slob, but you’re nobody’s doormat!  So instead of giving into guilt, stand your ground and let others in your life know that you are perfectly happy with the systems you have in place.

What they are upset about:

You left the bed unmade.

Why they should calm down:

An unmade bed is simply your way of letting the world know that a bed is ready to be used.  They should take it as an open invitation to join in the sleeping fun rather than a personal offense.

What they are upset about:

You left the new roll of toilet paper sitting upright on top of the empty one.

Why they should calm down:

This is your way of alerting them that the old roll needs to be replaced.  It’s not like you left them without paper to use.  In fact, you did half the work for them, and if they expect you to take out a new roll AND take the old one off the holder, then they really should think about creating an equal division of labor in the home.  You can’t be responsible for EVERYTHING!!!

What they are upset about:

You left dirty dishes in the sink and on the kitchen counter.

Why they should calm down:

You have created a clear and organized holding area for dirty dishes, so nobody will accidentally used them.  You are communicating by labeling those dishes as dirty, and therefore unsuitable for use.  You are also letting them know that if they happen to be in a dish-washing mood, that there are plenty of dirty dishes available to them.  Everyone should be so thoughtful, and perhaps your roommate or partner needs to think about how to improve their communication skills.

What they are upset about:

You drank everything but the last sip of milk, then left the nearly empty container in the fridge.

Why they should calm down:

You saved them the LAST sip of milk despite your immense thirst!  How could they be so ungrateful???

What they are upset about:

You always leave the toothpaste cap open.

Why they should calm down:

You are simply keeping the toothpaste in “ready” mode.

What they are upset about:

They caught you sweeping dirt under the living room carpet.

Why they should calm down:

You were SWEEPING!!! They should be thrilled!

What they are upset about:

You drank all the coffee without making more.

Why they should calm down:

You are helping them get over their nasty caffeine habit.

What they are upset about:

You let all the bills pile up on the coffee table.

Why they should calm down:

Since you have no intention of paying them, you are kindly letting your housemate know which ones are due, so they can go ahead a take care of it. 

What they are upset about:

You leave piles of dirty clothes on the laundry room floor.

Why they should calm down:

They’re dirty clothes!  If they were clean clothes, maybe they’d have a reason to be upset, but isn’t the laundry room where dirty clothes belong? It’s not like you’re letting them pile up on the kitchen floor.  And even if you are…I’m sure there’s a good reason for that too.

How Being a Slob Makes You Smarter, Faster, Better, and Stronger

Everyone knows that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger (and still alive…which is good too).  Well, disorganized slobs like us spend our whole lives making our lives difficult, and because of that, we may be the smartest, most talented group of people on the planet.*

• Chronic procrastination means that slobs leave themselves very little time to finish important projects and assignment.  So what happens?  We learn to accomplish everything a “normal” person can in just a fraction of the time.  (Generally between the hours of 4am and 7am )
• Excessive clutter turns your average slob’s house into a hazard zone.  Potential injury and possible certain death lurk around every corner and under every pile of dirty laundry.  Facing this risk on a daily basis helps slobs develop cat-like reflexes and the agility and grace of a Cirque du Soleil performer.
• Poor time management skills mean that disorganized slobs have to become excellent multi-taskers.  How many organized people can talk on the phone, apply a full face of makeup, drink a cup of copy, make a grocery list, and drive all at the same time?  Not many I tell you!
• Slobs are incredibly resourceful.  We have to be.  Constantly forgetting to buy the household goods and office supplies will help you think outside the box real fast.  We write down phone messages on the back of the phone bill, wash our laundry with dish soap, add water to that last drop of shampoo still in the bottle, and when there are no clean dishes left, we  eat entire meals while standing over the sink or trash can.
• We think on our toes.  Forgetting appointments, important meetings, birthdays, and some relatives leaves us with no choice but to learn conjure up a bevy of believable and valid excuses on the fly.  We can describe the symptoms of everything from the flu to a mild stroke.  We know every possible mechanical problem that can put a car, computer, telephone, or major highway out of service.   We no how to feign amnesia, gracefully change the subject, and stealthily flee any uncomfortable conversation.
• Slobs are delightfully spontaneous and easy going.  More than just a pleasant personality trait, we learn to go with the flow from years of not being able to find the DVD we really want to watch, forgetting which day tickets go on sale for the big concert, not checking the weather before heading out to the beach, and forgetting to throw a pair of tennis shoes into our gym bags.  We are the masters of lemons into lemonade, because if we weren’t we’d have no lives at all.

It’s so good to be a slob!!!!!

*Note that the use of the word “may” is a fantastic way to make claims that are almost certainly false and totally impossible to prove.

Here are a few helpful and completely real terms to help you better express your inner slob and its fabulously disorganized ways.

• Rogue Sock: Any sock without a mate.  Handle rogue socks by only buying white socks.  It helps if they’re similar in length as well.  Nobody’s fooled when you pair a knee high with an ankle sock…but nice try!
• Clutterference: Clutter that clinks and rattles around in your car, making it hard to hear the person on the other end of the phone.
• Slinky Dink: When you accidentally dink into something while trying to sneak into a meeting you’re already late for
• Slobgenuity: The brilliant talent slobs possess to use their disorganized ways to solve life’s struggles and achieve total success!
• Spontaneous Deafness: When you zone out while somebody is talking to you, missing the a major portion of what they have said
• Slobportation: When items suddenly reappear in random spots, and you can’t remember how or when they could have gotten there.  Ex. Finding a pair of earrings in the freezer
• Self Slobotage: When your slovenly ways wreak sudden, traumatic, and irreparable damage on your life.  *Luckily you are learning to embrace your inner slob, and you know that with some Slobgenuity, you can turn tragedy to triumph!

Take this quiz and find out… 

Are you a Slob? A Quiz:

On the floor of your bedroom there are…

A) One or two stray papers lying around and maybe a pair of shoes

B) A huge pile of laundry in a basket waiting to be hung up and some dirty dishes from a midnight snack

C) I am not sure there is still a floor under there

When you notice you are procrastinating you…

A) Wander around the house tortured with pangs of guilt, scolding yourself for your lack of focus

B) Half watch TV, flipping through the channels without any real interest and telling yourself it will be just a few more minutes

C) Go out to the movies, you are not getting anything done at home anyway

You decide to finally clear off your desk when…

A) There are so many extra papers piled up that you don’t feel you have enough room to get your work done

B) There are so many extra papers piled up that you feel you don’t have room for any new papers

C) Am I supposed to do that at some point?

Your closet is organized by…

A) Color

B) Winter clothes and spring clothes

C) Things that are clothing

When you see someone approaching at a party who’s name you’ve forgotten you…

A) Avoid the subject and fake it as long as you can

B) Call them by the wrong name, and when they correct you say, “ Yeah, that’s what I said.”

C) Throw wine at them and then say, “You should probably clean that up before the stain sets in.”

When you know you won’t be able to meet a deadline for work you…

A) Call in sick with bird flu

B) Turn in the rough draft hoping it will be good enough

C) Move to Mexico until the whole situation blows over

How did you do?

If you answered mostly A’s then you are deeply in denial of your inner slob.  You have been told for so many years that it is not okay to be disorganized, that you cannot forgive yourself when you are.  You hide when you can’t do anything else to fix the situation.  You often forget to have fun, because you are too busy worrying about your responsibilities.

If you answered mostly B’s you are a pretty efficient slob, but your inner slob could use some loving.  You have a ways to go before you feel free to truly express the slob you are inside.  Welcome to The Slob Blog…I hope you enjoy the ride.

If you answered mostly C’s congratulations!  You are already a very content slob, and you may want to skim this blog from time to time to find any advanced techniques you can use to hone your skills.  The organized world has not swallowed you up, and you are in control of your own slovenly lifestyle.

It is entirely possible that you think of the word “slob” as a negative thing.  Most of us do.  But for the purposes of this blog, it is important to have a positive term with which to refer to my disorganized brothers and sisters.  Mostly, because it’s annoying to continuously say, “Very disorganized person,” or “Messy Late Guy Most People Don’t Like.”  There has to be a term that is simple, that the disorganized population can embrace and own with pride.  In The Slob Blog, the word “Slob” is no longer meant as an insult.  A Slob is a disorganized, late, procrastinating, forgetful, and wonderful person who is proud of his or her way of life.