The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

Last night I forgot a whole bag of groceries at the supermarket.  I didn’t realize this until I had, of course, already unloaded all the other groceries and stashed away all the grocery bags.  So before I could head back to reclaim my lost satchel, I’d have to locate my receipt.  Oh god!

I searched every single plastic baggy in my kitty-litter-baggy-bin to no avail.  I called up the store and mentioned that when I got home, one of my grocery bags was “missing”.  This basically implied that it was their fault, and that they had somehow forgotten to give it to me.  The implication wasn’t entirely accidental and I almost feel bad about passing along the blame…ALMOST.   

I finally found the receipt in my purse, tucked neatly in my wallet.  What the hell was it doing there?  Eventually I drove back to the store and was reunited with my turkey bacon and ground turkey. (I was in a turkey mood…what?)

As naturally disorganized and forgetful slobs, it’s important to accept the fact that grocery shopping isn’t always going to be the easiest task. Here are some of the common problems you might encounter:

• It’s more than likely that you will go to the store and shop for an hour, only to forget to buy the one thing you went there for.  This item will probably be toilet paper, so don’t panic, there are plenty of other household items that can do the trick until you’re able to get back to the store.  I like to use my credit card bills.
• Don’t be surprised if you finish checking out at the register only to realize that your wallet is unexpectedly missing.   As you realize that you left it in your car, your gym back, or at work, don’t let embarrassment and shame take over.  Simply look the clerk in the eye, take an impatient stance, and say something like, “What? Oh, you still use money here?  That’s so ten years ago.”  As you walk out, throw your hands up in the air in exasperation.  If you’re not feeling this solution you can always just fake senility, or simple hide your face in your shirt and run…FAST!    
• I am a big fan of making lists and I bet you are too.  They are such a great way of avoiding doing actual things.  That said, you probably wont be able to find your shopping list by the time you get to the store.  Definitely pour your entire purse out onto the floor of the frozen foods aisle before you start to stress.  It’s probably in there somewhere.  If not, simply buy one item for each letter of the alphabet.  That’s a great way to make sure you have your bases covered, and really, you can never have enough quinces, zuchinni, and xylitol.
• I not too fond of using grocery carts, because I hate having to put them away after loading up my trunk.  I usually just carry the groceries around in my arms.  This means that it’s very important for slobs like us to keep up our weight training routines, and it’s not a bad idea to take up juggling.  It’s also very important to have a response in mind for when the store employee asks you how you dropped and broke a jar of pickles, a bottle of vinegar, and full carton of eggs all at the same time.  I live in California, so I think a very localized earthquake is always a reasonable explanation.
• Finally, coupons.  Don’t bother.  You’re never going to remember that you have them when you’re actually at the store, so if you really love clipping bits of paper that much, you’d be better off taking up decoupage or joining a scrap-booking club.

Two very pervasive thoughts kept running through my head all day today.

1) With it finally starting to get a bit chilly out, I really Really want to go shopping for a new fall wardrobe.

And.

2) I don’t have room for a new fall wardrobe, in fact, I don’t have room for my current wardrobe.

My closet has begun to invade other parts of my house including the bed, the laundry room, the floor, various doorways, and an innocent chair which hasn’t seen the light of day in months.  In theory, of course, I should begin to eliminate the items I don’t need in order to make room for some lovely new items of fall clothing.  Well, I can tell you right now as I sit here avoiding it that that’s not going to happen.

So what are my options?  Well I can build up for one.  Items of clothing which I have have deemed unacceptable to wear…but don’t want to bother ridding myself of can be moved to the floor.  This will build up over time, providing an excellent ramp on which I can balance while grabbing new clothes.

Another idea is to avoid the whole closet system altogether and continue tossing everything onto the guest bed, as I have been.  The cream will naturally rise to the top I think.

Finally, if I spend enough money that I don’t have and buy enough new clothes, the new items should sufficiently hide the old ones, and soon they won’t bother me at all.  What you can’t see must not exist…I always say!