The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

With Halloween just around the corner, people have probably been asking you what you’re going to go as.   And naturally, as a disorganized, procrastinating slob, I’m sure you have no idea.  But don’t worry.

Even if you wait till Halloween night before putting any thought into your costume, there are plenty of awesome disguises you can throw together from things you’ve already got in your home…or nothing at all!

A Doily: Simply strip down to your skivvies and drape yourself in the white afghan your grandmother crocheted for you last Christmas.  Variation: Add a wreath of basil leaves and you’re a Greek philosopher.

A Lamp: Shade meet head.  Next costume please : )

A Spa Goer: Cover your entire face with an avocado mask, or if you don’t have one, use guacamole.  Throw on your robe and slippers and viola! Don’t forget your towel turban, and make sure to remove the cucumbers from your eyes before driving to the party.

A Streaker: This costume is perfect for parties you didn’t really want to attend in the first place.  Simply strip down to your birthday suit and make a brief and very FAST appearance.  Make sure to leave before the police show up.

A Mime: Cover your face with cream cheese.  If anyone asks what you are, DON’T ANSWER! Remember, a good mime never has to explain herself.  If the person becomes insistent, simply lock yourself in an invisible sound proof box.  Remember to mime “I can’t hear a word you’re saying.”

Obnoxious Party Guest: Get out of control drunk, break something, throw up on at least one person, and spend a good portion of the party face down on the floor.  You’re sure to leave a major impression!

Really Bad Dog Walker: Just show up carrying six or seven dog leashes.  Act stressed out, and once every hour or so call out “Peppi? Rocko?”

A Flood Victim: Simply douse yourself with a bottle of water before walking into the party.  Make sure to look as bedraggled as possible.

Marti Gras Slut: Throw on every cheap plastic necklace you own and leave your bra at home.   No matter what happens at the party, give it a loud “whoohoo!” and show what you’ve got.  You’re sure to win contests with this one!

Making those obligatory phone calls to keep in touch with friends is something I generally put off doing.  Mostly because they tend to take too long, and partially because I’m a major jerk who probably doesn’t deserve to have any friends.

You have to admit, though, that the longer it’s been since you’ve last talked to someone, the longer you know you’ll have to stay on the phone with them catching up.  An organized person would probably say that you should just call them more often to keep that from happening.  But who has the time to do that?

I say, do what I do.  Put the call off until A) The person has gotten so fed up with you that they dump you as a friend…meaning no more long phone calls yay!!! or B) You’re faced with a task that is so loathsome, that making those phone calls sounds like a great way to avoid doing it.

I have managed to keep most of my friends by choosing B) almost every time.  Making long-winded phone calls to long lost friends is a fantastic way to avoid doing my least favorite task of all: work.  Thank you, my dear friends, for pouring over every minute detail of your dating lives to such an extent that I’ll never have worry about falling victim to a bout of unintentional productivity.  I don’t know what this slob would do without you!

Procrastinating is the one thing I will not allow you to put off my friends.  It is a vital part of the slob lifestyle and if you are going to ever learn to be a really good slob, than this is one trick you’d better perfect.  The more you get done, the less you are procrastinating so stop doing things for goodness sake!  Take a deep breath, enjoy your life, and ask yourself, “What’s the damn hurry!”

What is Procrastination?

Procrastination can be defined as putting off doing something until the last possible moment.  No way.  This confused definition of procrastination is the reason that millions of what could be perfectly happy slobs are sitting around right now pulling their hair out and scolding themselves for not being more disciplined.  Procrastination is doing something.  When you are procrastinating, you are actively taking part in not doing something.  So it’s not that you are just sitting there contemplating your navel (not that there’s anything wrong with that if contemplating your navel is what you choose to be doing*)

When you procrastinate, there is generally one, or many, very specific things that you are working very hard not to do.  The guilty feeling that goes along with procrastination actually disrupts this active avoidance of tasks, and, therefore, makes you less productive.  That’s right.  If you let yourself feel guilty about procrastinating, you waste good procrastination time, and you become an unproductive procrastinator.  Now that is a true tragedy.

Welcome!  This is the place where your inner slob can feel free to express his or herself.  Disorganized slobs like us are used to having to hide our true nature.  We’re told it’s wrong, dirty, and unnatural to be a disorganized wreck.  But I’m here to tell you that this kind of thinking is a big sloppy pile of B.S.  Being a cluttered, scatterbrained, disorganized slob is the most natural thing in the world, and your inner slob is crying out for a hug.

Let your inner slob know that you’re not afraid to be you.  Sing it to the hills.  I’m a slob and I’m proud to be me!

A Slob’s Life