The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

If you happen to forget one or all of the ingredients in a dish, or you find some entirely new and creative way to ruin it, there are several recovery steps you can take.

1. Rename the dish immediately!  You can’t very well call something “Meringue Pie” if you’ve forgotten to buy eggs.  Call it “Lemon Pudding” instead or “Lemon Flan”.
2. Add sugar.  Almost everything tastes better when it is sweet, and sweet foods are easier to forgive for being bad.
3. Add toppings.  Toppings such as whipped cream, chives, cinnamon, sprinkles, sour cream, cheese crumbles etc. can help a sad and ugly dish look festive.  If you’ve really messed up, use enough toppings to cover the dish entirely.
4. Add rice.  It’s amazing how many foods taste great mixed with rice.  It’s probably because rice doesn’t really taste like anything.  Rice even shows up in deserts, so don’t worry.  If you are short on ingredients, just add rice, and you’ll turn a couple cups of mush into a whole bowlful of dinner.
5. Use creative presentation.  Sometimes recipes don’t yield as much as we expect them to.  This is generally due to an agregious measuring error.  The trick to dealing with this situation is going gourmet.  Spend a little extra time arranging the small portion of food on each guest’s plate.  Add a sprig of parsley.  Parsley makes everything look prettier.  If the guests are convinced the food in front of them is “gourmet” they will be happy to be sent home starving.  They would normally pay through the nose to starve like that, and you have given them the opportunity to do it for free.
6. Go spicy.  The spicier the food, the harder it is to tell what it tastes like.  No one will know that you made a mistake, and they’ll be too busy drinking water and fanning themselves to care.
7. Change the place of origin.  If you say the recipe you tried is from your aunt in Long Island, guests will be much more appalled by its disgusting flavor than if it comes from New Guinea, or Zimbabwe, or Bangladesh.  People expect foreign foods to taste strange and have questionable palatability.

With Halloween just around the corner, people have probably been asking you what you’re going to go as.   And naturally, as a disorganized, procrastinating slob, I’m sure you have no idea.  But don’t worry.

Even if you wait till Halloween night before putting any thought into your costume, there are plenty of awesome disguises you can throw together from things you’ve already got in your home…or nothing at all!

A Doily: Simply strip down to your skivvies and drape yourself in the white afghan your grandmother crocheted for you last Christmas.  Variation: Add a wreath of basil leaves and you’re a Greek philosopher.

A Lamp: Shade meet head.  Next costume please : )

A Spa Goer: Cover your entire face with an avocado mask, or if you don’t have one, use guacamole.  Throw on your robe and slippers and viola! Don’t forget your towel turban, and make sure to remove the cucumbers from your eyes before driving to the party.

A Streaker: This costume is perfect for parties you didn’t really want to attend in the first place.  Simply strip down to your birthday suit and make a brief and very FAST appearance.  Make sure to leave before the police show up.

A Mime: Cover your face with cream cheese.  If anyone asks what you are, DON’T ANSWER! Remember, a good mime never has to explain herself.  If the person becomes insistent, simply lock yourself in an invisible sound proof box.  Remember to mime “I can’t hear a word you’re saying.”

Obnoxious Party Guest: Get out of control drunk, break something, throw up on at least one person, and spend a good portion of the party face down on the floor.  You’re sure to leave a major impression!

Really Bad Dog Walker: Just show up carrying six or seven dog leashes.  Act stressed out, and once every hour or so call out “Peppi? Rocko?”

A Flood Victim: Simply douse yourself with a bottle of water before walking into the party.  Make sure to look as bedraggled as possible.

Marti Gras Slut: Throw on every cheap plastic necklace you own and leave your bra at home.   No matter what happens at the party, give it a loud “whoohoo!” and show what you’ve got.  You’re sure to win contests with this one!