The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

You are never going to be able to find your keys…ever!  So to prevent hours and hours of frantic searching, followed by binge drinking and furniture throwing, circumvent this problem by storing copies of your keys around the house.  EVERYWHERE!!!  Have copies available in the bathroom medicine cabinet, under the rug in the living room, under lamp shades, in the fridge (cuz that’s probably where you left yours anyway), between the cushions of the couch, on the window sill, and taped to the TV.  You may want to consider storing a copy in the front door keyhole too, cuz that’s the only way you can be certain to find them.

You’ll probably also want to start distributing copies to close friend and family, to not so close friends and family, and to all your neighbors within a five mile radius.  If you’re already locked out, the burglar letting himself in with a key can always be called upon to help as well.

Another useful tip is to use large flashy key chains you’ll definitely be able to spot….like a wallet full of money…or your toaster.

My boyfriend and I love Disneyland, but big crowded theme parks full of children, rides, and distracting snacks can be challenging places for forgetful slobs like us.  A couple of years ago, the two of us went to Disneyland for the day, and my boyfriend lost his cell phone.  He was so upset, it almost ruined the rest of our day.  So this year, when he told me he wanted to bring along his new and very expensive, high-end digital voice recorder I bought him for the holidays, I felt it was my duty to stop him.  He didn’t listen to me of course.  As his girlfriend, my advice is automatically rendered useless.

But how do you lose something that’s attached to your body?  Long before I could take pleasure in telling him “I told you so,” I was was the one who left something behind.  We were getting onto the California Screamin’ roller coaster in California Adventure.  While stepping into the coaster cab, with the natural grace of a linebacker, my flip flop became separated from my foot and managed to fall between the cracks in the platform, landing somewhere ten feet below the track.

Luckily, my boyfriend had insisted on recording and narrating our entire day (not annoying at all!), so we have a complete audio record of the humiliating moment when I realized I’d lost a shoe.  Not wanting to admit what had happened, knowing my boyfriend would have no choice but to ruthlessly mock me for the rest of the day, I considered not mentioning it at all.  I pictured how I would look hobbling around the rest of the day in one shoe, and I came to the unfortunate conclusion that I probably wouldn’t be able to hide it.

“Oh my god,” I said “I dropped my flip flop.”  On the recording you can hear me pathetically asking the ride attendant if there’s any way to get things back from “down there.”  The poor guy rolled his eyes and sighed, “I’ll see what I can do while you’re on the ride.”  So in the minute and a half while we were on the coaster, he was going to climb down below the ride, locate my flip flop, and bring it back?  There’s no way.  It’s gone.

Amazingly, they WERE able to get my shoe back.  I couldn’t believe it, and I thought for a moment our troubles were over for the day.  Not so fast.  We decided to check out the new Toy Story Mania ride.  We were half way through our wait when I realized my camera was no longer around my neck.  Oh god, I had taken it off and put it in the seat pocket while on California Screamin’.  Did it have to be the same ride?  They’re going to think I’m like the guy from Memento, but far less mysterious and tatooey.  Worse yet, there was no good way to cut across the line to get out.  I had to retrace my steps through every single twist and turn repeating, “excuse me, pardon me, thank you,” over and over again, while not a single person stepped out of the way.  It was horrible.

When I got back to the coaster and  asked about my camera, a female ride attendant asked me what car we had been riding in.  Yeah, like I’m going to remember that.  I was on the cell phone with my boyfriend at the time, and instantly he shouted, “The red car!”  “How the hell did you know that?” I asked in shock.  “I took note of which car we were in on the digital recorder right before you dropped your shoe.”  “Thank you geek!”  I couldn’t believe it, I was saved again.  They had my camera.

You have to understand though, that these are two talented slobs you are talking about, and you’ve heard of the rule of three right?  Hours later, my boyfriend and I were on the parking tram, ready to use our very last ounce of energy to drive ourselves home.  He started patting his pants pockets, and instantly, I knew we were in trouble.  “It’s the recorder isn’t it?” I said.

We had to beg the tram driver to give us a solo ride back to the park.  We figured my boyfriend had taken the recorder out of his pocket to get to his wallet to pay for my end-of-the-night-coffee.  Very chivalrous, but clearly stupid.  Miraculously, when we returned to the coffee stand, the merchant was able to find the device and get it back to us.  Three losses in one day!  How do you even do that?  We had made it out unscathed, but generally shamed.

I guess we could take this experience as a sign that two forgetful slobs like us should never again step outside our front door, but what would be the fun in that?  As a natural slob, I’m a risk-taker, a gambler, and I say it’s not worth having cool things if you aren’t constantly terrified of losing them.

Never be Ashamed to Forget:

Everybody forgets things from time to time and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  Forgetting is the brain’s normal way of dealing with the useless garbage we try to shove in there.  Remember all those lectures your mom gave you about waiting until marriage?  No?  Exactly!  You got rid of something you didn’t find useful.  Most of us do the same thing with math, geography, and our boss’s rules about not surfing the web on company hours.  What would be the point of busying the mind with these things?  The problems begin when our minds get so busy with all the little details of our lives, that they start taking the matter into their own hands.  Minds don’t have hands, but you know what I mean.  Our brains start dropping information that we could have actually used like birthdates, names, appointments, and the date of our last period.  (Men don’t have to worry about this, but for some reason when we ladies go to the doctor, he or she always wants to know this stuff)

Great Things to Forget

1. Forget you’re broke
2. Forget you’re on a diet
3. Forget you can’t sing when doing karaoke
4. Forget you’re a vegetarian
5. Forget your workout
6. Forget your inhibitions
7. Forget you’re afraid of heights when skydiving
8. Forget your ex-boyfriend
9. Forget the speed limit when speeding
10. Forget to be embarrassed when you fall down

For your average slob, putting something in a “safe place” is the absolute worst place to put something you’d ever like to see again.  You’d be much better off putting important items in terribly thought out places where you can’t possibly miss them.  That said, for slobs, no place is foolproof, and it’s best to just start getting used to the idea of losing things.  The upside is that many of these things will turn up again someday when you least expect it.  Losing things is good for us…it helps remind us that things are not life, they’re just stuff (to quote American Beauty).  And, if you’re not buying that crap, remember that anything lost becomes new again the moment you find it.  So think of losing things, not as a loss, but rather as the gaining of lots of new and exciting surprises. (Which you may have already paid to replace*)

For some ideas for safe-ER places for your important documents, click here.

1. Taped  to your pillow
2. On the floor with a thumb tack through ‘em – pain and bleeding is a great way to get your own attention.
3. Stuck to the TV – if you have to move it out of the way before you can have couch time, you might just notice it
4. Stapled to the dog…just kidding…use twist ties instead
5. Tie it around your neck – then again, this one might not work on the most talented and oblivious slobs
6. Over your windshield.  This one will only work if you make sure to completely obstruct the driver’s side view…or else you may just ignore it and drive to work.   Then again, this may not be the best technique to use with confidential materials.  You may not want to drive around with a document entitled, “Herpes Test Results” stuck to your windshield.
7. In the fridge – just kidding, you’ll never find anything in that mess
8. Between your couch cushions.  You’ll have a good chance of finding it the next time you go digging for loose change.
9. In your bra.  That way, even if you can’t find ‘em, your next date probably will.
10. Next to your pot, chocolate, or favorite bottle of booze – the few things you NEVER have trouble finding.

Over the years I have become quite convinced, and I continue to find proof, that there are cruel little gremlins who like to follow me around and hide my things.  They don’t do this to organized people…they only think it’s funny to play these jokes on people like you and me.  They wait until I have just about lost my mind looking for the thing, had a nervous breakdown, or bought a new one – then they return the item to the exact spot where I have been frantically searching for days, months, even years.

This is no joke people!  These little buggers are mean as sh-t!  I once lost a favorite coffee table book on animation.  I looked for this thing forever.  I mean years.  Finally, I bit the bullet and purchase a new copy.  Literally the NEXT day, the book reappeared right smack dab in the middle of the bookshelf I had searched a thousand times.

One time when I was in high school, I lost my wallet.  I tore my locker apart looking for the thing, searched campus, and finally made an announcement a school assembly.  Later that day, I open my locker, and there it is!  Not hidden under anything.  Just sitting there dead center in my locker on top of everything.  Gremlins, I tell you!  It’s the only logical explanation.

Last night they struck again.  All summer, my favorite flowy green dress has been missing.  Parties, weddings, and trips came along for which the dress would have been perfect.  I searched every inch of my closet – nowhere to be found.

Yesterday marked the VERY FIRST cool day in months.  So what happens? I open my closet, and there on the FIRST HANGER in the very front of the my closet is the sleeveless green dress.  Now that it’s too late in the year to wear it, my favorite dress reappears as if it had never gone missing.  And it’s not like it was wedged behind something or hidden under a huge pile of clutter.  No! That’s the burn!  It was right there in my closet, in the front, on an actual hanger!  Nothings EVER on a hanger!  What was it doing there?

So let this be a lesson to you.  Keep your eyes peeled, because you never know when your gremlins are going to strike.

Find out how to outsmart your own gremlins with these tips.

1. As you put things away that you really care about shout, “I sure don’t care if I lose this!” The gremlins only like to hide things that are important to you.
2. Bribery.  Leave cookies or money in the pockets of your clothes or in your favorite shoes.  You may want to attach a little note so the gremlin knows it’s for him.
3. When something goes missing, start calling people and telling them how happy you are to be rid of it.  Again, reverse psychology is really quite effective on imaginary creatures…so are anti-psychotic medications ; )
4. Get drunk.  This may not actually help the situation, but you’ll feel much better
5. Bright light, water, and snacks after midnight…wait…that’s the other type of Gremlin isn’t it.