The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

I was really on my game Wednesday morning.  Before even leaving the house, I realized that I had forgotten the laptop I would need to check work emails while on jury duty and stay generally in touch with the world.  (Not to mention keep me from dying from boredom while on long taxpayer-subsidized courthouse lunch break)

I am proud to say that I managed to coax myself out of bed and keep to my to go-workout-at-the-gym-before-leaving-for-court plan.  I had tossed everything I would need for the day into my gym bag in the trunk of my car.  Everything, that is, except for underwear…and a bra.  This was not good.  But of course, this is typical behavior for your average slob.  I have pairs upon pairs of mint condition tennis shoes I’ve purchased on days that I’ve forgotten to bring them to the gym.  Tennis shoes are rather important if you plan to work out, unless you’re willing to brave the treadmill in pumps.  ( I happen to be lucky.  My gym is located next door to a shoe store)

It is not, however, located next to a lingerie store.  And I’ll let you in on a little known secret about women.  Forgetting to bring underwear is not the worst thing in the world (nobody has to know…an it provides a lovely breeze), but a bra is absolutely indispensable.  That is, of course, unless you’ve been blessed with perky little AA mosquito bites.  Needless to say, that is not the case with me.

As I’ve said before, being a slob is both my blessing and my curse, so I knew there was still a chance I could save myself from certain humiliation.  My car’s trunk, back seat, and any and all satchels, boxes, and purses therein offer, at any one time, a virtual smorgasbord of random items, some of which may be used or clean underwear and bras.

I double checked my gym bag for provisions, and eureka!  Miraculously, there was a random pair of undies floating around and available for use.  And even better…they were clean!  Yay!  Now I wouldn’t feel like an undercover hooker, permanently open for business, but I was still sans bra.

I immediately tried to block out the images of Flopsy and Topsy bouncing around freely to the delight of every bailiff, lawyer, and traffic violator at the LA Metropolitan Courthouse.  There would really be no way to fake it unless I was willing to walk around with my arms crossed like an old school rapper all day.   I couldn’t even bank on my usually procedure of purchasing a new one.  The only bra I could buy at the gym would be a hot pink spandex sports bra which would stick out under my v-neck sweater, making me look like I were about to leap out of the jury box and pump out a few aerobic high kicks at any moment.

I closed the trunk and began my defeated walk toward the gym, trying to figure out how I could manage to squeeze in a trip to Target before I was due at court.  Then a memory struck me like a splinter that stops you in your tracks while performing sashays across a wood floor.  I had this strange feeling that I had an extra bra inexplicably hidden in the book bag I use to hold blog research materials. (What? You didn’t know that writing this takes thorough research?)  To my exuberant surprise, I was right!

I snatched up my reward and walked proudly toward the gym, feeling thankful that my cluttered, slovenly ways had saved me once again.  Oh and by the way, my boobs looked fabulous all morning.  Thanks for asking!

With Halloween just around the corner, people have probably been asking you what you’re going to go as.   And naturally, as a disorganized, procrastinating slob, I’m sure you have no idea.  But don’t worry.

Even if you wait till Halloween night before putting any thought into your costume, there are plenty of awesome disguises you can throw together from things you’ve already got in your home…or nothing at all!

A Doily: Simply strip down to your skivvies and drape yourself in the white afghan your grandmother crocheted for you last Christmas.  Variation: Add a wreath of basil leaves and you’re a Greek philosopher.

A Lamp: Shade meet head.  Next costume please : )

A Spa Goer: Cover your entire face with an avocado mask, or if you don’t have one, use guacamole.  Throw on your robe and slippers and viola! Don’t forget your towel turban, and make sure to remove the cucumbers from your eyes before driving to the party.

A Streaker: This costume is perfect for parties you didn’t really want to attend in the first place.  Simply strip down to your birthday suit and make a brief and very FAST appearance.  Make sure to leave before the police show up.

A Mime: Cover your face with cream cheese.  If anyone asks what you are, DON’T ANSWER! Remember, a good mime never has to explain herself.  If the person becomes insistent, simply lock yourself in an invisible sound proof box.  Remember to mime “I can’t hear a word you’re saying.”

Obnoxious Party Guest: Get out of control drunk, break something, throw up on at least one person, and spend a good portion of the party face down on the floor.  You’re sure to leave a major impression!

Really Bad Dog Walker: Just show up carrying six or seven dog leashes.  Act stressed out, and once every hour or so call out “Peppi? Rocko?”

A Flood Victim: Simply douse yourself with a bottle of water before walking into the party.  Make sure to look as bedraggled as possible.

Marti Gras Slut: Throw on every cheap plastic necklace you own and leave your bra at home.   No matter what happens at the party, give it a loud “whoohoo!” and show what you’ve got.  You’re sure to win contests with this one!