The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

I was really on my game Wednesday morning.  Before even leaving the house, I realized that I had forgotten the laptop I would need to check work emails while on jury duty and stay generally in touch with the world.  (Not to mention keep me from dying from boredom while on long taxpayer-subsidized courthouse lunch break)

I am proud to say that I managed to coax myself out of bed and keep to my to go-workout-at-the-gym-before-leaving-for-court plan.  I had tossed everything I would need for the day into my gym bag in the trunk of my car.  Everything, that is, except for underwear…and a bra.  This was not good.  But of course, this is typical behavior for your average slob.  I have pairs upon pairs of mint condition tennis shoes I’ve purchased on days that I’ve forgotten to bring them to the gym.  Tennis shoes are rather important if you plan to work out, unless you’re willing to brave the treadmill in pumps.  ( I happen to be lucky.  My gym is located next door to a shoe store)

It is not, however, located next to a lingerie store.  And I’ll let you in on a little known secret about women.  Forgetting to bring underwear is not the worst thing in the world (nobody has to know…an it provides a lovely breeze), but a bra is absolutely indispensable.  That is, of course, unless you’ve been blessed with perky little AA mosquito bites.  Needless to say, that is not the case with me.

As I’ve said before, being a slob is both my blessing and my curse, so I knew there was still a chance I could save myself from certain humiliation.  My car’s trunk, back seat, and any and all satchels, boxes, and purses therein offer, at any one time, a virtual smorgasbord of random items, some of which may be used or clean underwear and bras.

I double checked my gym bag for provisions, and eureka!  Miraculously, there was a random pair of undies floating around and available for use.  And even better…they were clean!  Yay!  Now I wouldn’t feel like an undercover hooker, permanently open for business, but I was still sans bra.

I immediately tried to block out the images of Flopsy and Topsy bouncing around freely to the delight of every bailiff, lawyer, and traffic violator at the LA Metropolitan Courthouse.  There would really be no way to fake it unless I was willing to walk around with my arms crossed like an old school rapper all day.   I couldn’t even bank on my usually procedure of purchasing a new one.  The only bra I could buy at the gym would be a hot pink spandex sports bra which would stick out under my v-neck sweater, making me look like I were about to leap out of the jury box and pump out a few aerobic high kicks at any moment.

I closed the trunk and began my defeated walk toward the gym, trying to figure out how I could manage to squeeze in a trip to Target before I was due at court.  Then a memory struck me like a splinter that stops you in your tracks while performing sashays across a wood floor.  I had this strange feeling that I had an extra bra inexplicably hidden in the book bag I use to hold blog research materials. (What? You didn’t know that writing this takes thorough research?)  To my exuberant surprise, I was right!

I snatched up my reward and walked proudly toward the gym, feeling thankful that my cluttered, slovenly ways had saved me once again.  Oh and by the way, my boobs looked fabulous all morning.  Thanks for asking!

Never be Ashamed to Forget:

Everybody forgets things from time to time and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  Forgetting is the brain’s normal way of dealing with the useless garbage we try to shove in there.  Remember all those lectures your mom gave you about waiting until marriage?  No?  Exactly!  You got rid of something you didn’t find useful.  Most of us do the same thing with math, geography, and our boss’s rules about not surfing the web on company hours.  What would be the point of busying the mind with these things?  The problems begin when our minds get so busy with all the little details of our lives, that they start taking the matter into their own hands.  Minds don’t have hands, but you know what I mean.  Our brains start dropping information that we could have actually used like birthdates, names, appointments, and the date of our last period.  (Men don’t have to worry about this, but for some reason when we ladies go to the doctor, he or she always wants to know this stuff)

Great Things to Forget

1. Forget you’re broke
2. Forget you’re on a diet
3. Forget you can’t sing when doing karaoke
4. Forget you’re a vegetarian
5. Forget your workout
6. Forget your inhibitions
7. Forget you’re afraid of heights when skydiving
8. Forget your ex-boyfriend
9. Forget the speed limit when speeding
10. Forget to be embarrassed when you fall down

For your average slob, putting something in a “safe place” is the absolute worst place to put something you’d ever like to see again.  You’d be much better off putting important items in terribly thought out places where you can’t possibly miss them.  That said, for slobs, no place is foolproof, and it’s best to just start getting used to the idea of losing things.  The upside is that many of these things will turn up again someday when you least expect it.  Losing things is good for us…it helps remind us that things are not life, they’re just stuff (to quote American Beauty).  And, if you’re not buying that crap, remember that anything lost becomes new again the moment you find it.  So think of losing things, not as a loss, but rather as the gaining of lots of new and exciting surprises. (Which you may have already paid to replace*)

For some ideas for safe-ER places for your important documents, click here.

Slobs are naturally forgetful people, and personally, I’m a fan of forgetting things.  Doing so rids me of the pesky inconvenience of having to remember them.  It also saves me time, money, and wrapping paper.  That said, for some reason, birthdays are one of those things people (especially those who like to have reasons to make you feel guilty) expect you to remember.  In the very likely case that you HAVE forgotten someone’s birthday, here are a few marginally effective tips to help you handle the situation.

Flattery: This is a timeless technique that instantly puts the person back on your side.  Say something like, “You’ve always had this timeless quality about you, and it’s hard for me to believe you ever have birthdays.”

Creativity: Once you forget the birthday, go ahead and wait another 3-6 months before you call the person.  Tell them you didn’t want your birthday wish for them to get lost in the crowd.  You were just trying to be original.

Invent a Reason: If you remember the birthday later that night, but you are afraid it is too late to call them, wait another few hours until the middle of the morning.  Call them at 3 or 4AM and say, “Oops, I am observing, live like another time zone day.  It’s 8:00 PM here.”  They’ll be sure to laugh right along with you.

Distraction: Call them and tell them something really horrible, like your dog was hit by a car and will now have to hop the rest of his life.  Cry very hard and get the birthday boy or girl to cry along with you.  When you have both cried your hearts out significantly say, “Just kidding, happy belated birthday.”  The birthday boy or girl will be so relieved that little Scruffy is okay that he or she wont have any energy left to be angry at you for forgetting a silly little birthday.