The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

Being Organized Allows You To Rid Yourself of Clutter

No. Most clutter is made up of things we need but can’t find a place for.  The minute you put these things in specific places, you increase the likelihood that you’ll forget where they are and never have what you need when you need it.

Organizing experts are constantly telling us how we can get rid of and even “conquer” our clutter.  What did the clutter ever do to us?  Does it really deserve this aggression and disdain?  We’re the ones that put it there in the first place.  You wouldn’t adopt three orphans from third world countries and then try to figure out why there’s no room in your spare bedrooms.  You wouldn’t box them up and send them away on their third birthdays…no, you’ve made a commitment to them, and that’s the same commitment you should be showing all the precious things you’ve accumulated over the years.  Don’t be an unfit clutter mommy.  (*Not that I’m comparing human children to knick-knacks you’ve purchased at the local flee market.  That would be wrong.  They’re more like vintage jeans you found at a trendy second-hand store on Melrose.)

A lot of people think the problem with clutter is that it takes up too much space and that it doesn’t allow you enough room to live your life.  But that’s just not true.  The stuff takes up the exact right amount of space.  The problem is you.  You’re living too big.  Learn to take up less room doing your daily routine, and figuring out how to navigate around all your “stuff” won’t be such a problem anymore.

Why are you being so greedy?  Don’t you know that this planet is overpopulated? Learning to live smaller can be your service to humanity.

Bed so covered with so much stuff you can’t even lie down to sleep?  So what?  Learn to sleep standing up.  Anybody can sleep lying down. How about challenging your self Lazy?

No room to walk through your bedroom?  Tuck those arms in!  Turn sideways.  Or better yet, leave that room alone.  What makes you so special that you feel you should be able to go into EVERY room in your house?  Maybe that room should be a place where your stuff can be left alone, without you constantly barging in to bother it.

Experts are also fond of telling slobs that they should box their things up and send it away.  Well I think that’s just false imprisonment.  What right do we have to rob innocent knick-knacks of their freedoms?  I say stop trying to conquer your clutter and declare peace once and for all.  Learn to get along with the clutter in your life, or I say you don’t deserve to have it in the first place.

I was really on my game Wednesday morning.  Before even leaving the house, I realized that I had forgotten the laptop I would need to check work emails while on jury duty and stay generally in touch with the world.  (Not to mention keep me from dying from boredom while on long taxpayer-subsidized courthouse lunch break)

I am proud to say that I managed to coax myself out of bed and keep to my to go-workout-at-the-gym-before-leaving-for-court plan.  I had tossed everything I would need for the day into my gym bag in the trunk of my car.  Everything, that is, except for underwear…and a bra.  This was not good.  But of course, this is typical behavior for your average slob.  I have pairs upon pairs of mint condition tennis shoes I’ve purchased on days that I’ve forgotten to bring them to the gym.  Tennis shoes are rather important if you plan to work out, unless you’re willing to brave the treadmill in pumps.  ( I happen to be lucky.  My gym is located next door to a shoe store)

It is not, however, located next to a lingerie store.  And I’ll let you in on a little known secret about women.  Forgetting to bring underwear is not the worst thing in the world (nobody has to know…an it provides a lovely breeze), but a bra is absolutely indispensable.  That is, of course, unless you’ve been blessed with perky little AA mosquito bites.  Needless to say, that is not the case with me.

As I’ve said before, being a slob is both my blessing and my curse, so I knew there was still a chance I could save myself from certain humiliation.  My car’s trunk, back seat, and any and all satchels, boxes, and purses therein offer, at any one time, a virtual smorgasbord of random items, some of which may be used or clean underwear and bras.

I double checked my gym bag for provisions, and eureka!  Miraculously, there was a random pair of undies floating around and available for use.  And even better…they were clean!  Yay!  Now I wouldn’t feel like an undercover hooker, permanently open for business, but I was still sans bra.

I immediately tried to block out the images of Flopsy and Topsy bouncing around freely to the delight of every bailiff, lawyer, and traffic violator at the LA Metropolitan Courthouse.  There would really be no way to fake it unless I was willing to walk around with my arms crossed like an old school rapper all day.   I couldn’t even bank on my usually procedure of purchasing a new one.  The only bra I could buy at the gym would be a hot pink spandex sports bra which would stick out under my v-neck sweater, making me look like I were about to leap out of the jury box and pump out a few aerobic high kicks at any moment.

I closed the trunk and began my defeated walk toward the gym, trying to figure out how I could manage to squeeze in a trip to Target before I was due at court.  Then a memory struck me like a splinter that stops you in your tracks while performing sashays across a wood floor.  I had this strange feeling that I had an extra bra inexplicably hidden in the book bag I use to hold blog research materials. (What? You didn’t know that writing this takes thorough research?)  To my exuberant surprise, I was right!

I snatched up my reward and walked proudly toward the gym, feeling thankful that my cluttered, slovenly ways had saved me once again.  Oh and by the way, my boobs looked fabulous all morning.  Thanks for asking!

Organization Reduces Stress

No.  If a slob knows ahead of time that this weekend is the start of his big, get organized project, he will not be able to sleep the night before, and he will put the project off as long as he can.  This is because getting organized is VERY stressful, and it is not fun.  It involves making major decisions about where things belong, and we all dread making decisions because they always have consequences.

I recently read a blog that said “De-cluttering is like losing weight.  It disappears a little at a time.”  Well, if that’s true, then forcing yourself to get organized when you’re really a slob, is like taking up bulimia as a hobby.  It’s just not right.  Embracing your inner slob is all about creating a healthy slob-image.  Cuz you know what?  That clutter you “lose”, like the pounds, is going to eventually come back, plus a whole lot more.  You’re way better off just learning to love your inner slob for who she is…thunder thighs, mismatched socks, and all!

Here are a few helpful and completely real terms to help you better express your inner slob and its fabulously disorganized ways.

• Rogue Sock: Any sock without a mate.  Handle rogue socks by only buying white socks.  It helps if they’re similar in length as well.  Nobody’s fooled when you pair a knee high with an ankle sock…but nice try!
• Clutterference: Clutter that clinks and rattles around in your car, making it hard to hear the person on the other end of the phone.
• Slinky Dink: When you accidentally dink into something while trying to sneak into a meeting you’re already late for
• Slobgenuity: The brilliant talent slobs possess to use their disorganized ways to solve life’s struggles and achieve total success!
• Spontaneous Deafness: When you zone out while somebody is talking to you, missing the a major portion of what they have said
• Slobportation: When items suddenly reappear in random spots, and you can’t remember how or when they could have gotten there.  Ex. Finding a pair of earrings in the freezer
• Self Slobotage: When your slovenly ways wreak sudden, traumatic, and irreparable damage on your life.  *Luckily you are learning to embrace your inner slob, and you know that with some Slobgenuity, you can turn tragedy to triumph!

Take this quiz and find out… 

Are you a Slob? A Quiz:

On the floor of your bedroom there are…

A) One or two stray papers lying around and maybe a pair of shoes

B) A huge pile of laundry in a basket waiting to be hung up and some dirty dishes from a midnight snack

C) I am not sure there is still a floor under there

When you notice you are procrastinating you…

A) Wander around the house tortured with pangs of guilt, scolding yourself for your lack of focus

B) Half watch TV, flipping through the channels without any real interest and telling yourself it will be just a few more minutes

C) Go out to the movies, you are not getting anything done at home anyway

You decide to finally clear off your desk when…

A) There are so many extra papers piled up that you don’t feel you have enough room to get your work done

B) There are so many extra papers piled up that you feel you don’t have room for any new papers

C) Am I supposed to do that at some point?

Your closet is organized by…

A) Color

B) Winter clothes and spring clothes

C) Things that are clothing

When you see someone approaching at a party who’s name you’ve forgotten you…

A) Avoid the subject and fake it as long as you can

B) Call them by the wrong name, and when they correct you say, “ Yeah, that’s what I said.”

C) Throw wine at them and then say, “You should probably clean that up before the stain sets in.”

When you know you won’t be able to meet a deadline for work you…

A) Call in sick with bird flu

B) Turn in the rough draft hoping it will be good enough

C) Move to Mexico until the whole situation blows over

How did you do?

If you answered mostly A’s then you are deeply in denial of your inner slob.  You have been told for so many years that it is not okay to be disorganized, that you cannot forgive yourself when you are.  You hide when you can’t do anything else to fix the situation.  You often forget to have fun, because you are too busy worrying about your responsibilities.

If you answered mostly B’s you are a pretty efficient slob, but your inner slob could use some loving.  You have a ways to go before you feel free to truly express the slob you are inside.  Welcome to The Slob Blog…I hope you enjoy the ride.

If you answered mostly C’s congratulations!  You are already a very content slob, and you may want to skim this blog from time to time to find any advanced techniques you can use to hone your skills.  The organized world has not swallowed you up, and you are in control of your own slovenly lifestyle.

Worried about your house’s Feng Shui? Move all the piles of paper or clothes in your house or office into one giant pile.  This allows the shui to move smoothly around your things and get the hell out.  You can feel safe that most of the shui is gone when your tower falls over. 

Two very pervasive thoughts kept running through my head all day today.

1) With it finally starting to get a bit chilly out, I really Really want to go shopping for a new fall wardrobe.

And.

2) I don’t have room for a new fall wardrobe, in fact, I don’t have room for my current wardrobe.

My closet has begun to invade other parts of my house including the bed, the laundry room, the floor, various doorways, and an innocent chair which hasn’t seen the light of day in months.  In theory, of course, I should begin to eliminate the items I don’t need in order to make room for some lovely new items of fall clothing.  Well, I can tell you right now as I sit here avoiding it that that’s not going to happen.

So what are my options?  Well I can build up for one.  Items of clothing which I have have deemed unacceptable to wear…but don’t want to bother ridding myself of can be moved to the floor.  This will build up over time, providing an excellent ramp on which I can balance while grabbing new clothes.

Another idea is to avoid the whole closet system altogether and continue tossing everything onto the guest bed, as I have been.  The cream will naturally rise to the top I think.

Finally, if I spend enough money that I don’t have and buy enough new clothes, the new items should sufficiently hide the old ones, and soon they won’t bother me at all.  What you can’t see must not exist…I always say!