The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

Attention Deficit Dis-ORDER

It’s not that you are disorganized as much as you lack focus.  You consider cleaning up after yourself, but then you consider ten other activities that sound much better.  With thoughts moving that fast, it is no wonder that organization falls to the bottom of the priority list.

The plus side is that if your mess does start to bother you, chances are the pain will only be one of your many passing thoughts, and you’ll soon be on to something more pleasant.

I recently read a blog that said “De-cluttering is like losing weight.  It disappears a little at a time.”  Well, if that’s true, then forcing yourself to get organized when you’re really a slob, is like taking up bulimia as a hobby.  It’s just not right.  Embracing your inner slob is all about creating a healthy slob-image.  Cuz you know what?  That clutter you “lose”, like the pounds, is going to eventually come back, plus a whole lot more.  You’re way better off just learning to love your inner slob for who she is…thunder thighs, mismatched socks, and all!

The other night I went down town to see a show with a friend.  We each parked on the street, then took the mythical LA Metro (which is not as mythical as I expected) in order to avoid a parking cluster f***.  When we got back later in the evening, she asked me if she could hitch a ride back to her car.

I said, “Sure as long as…”

Without missing a beat she shouted, “I KNOW THERE’S TRASH IN THE CAR!”

A wave of pride swept over me (after, of course, a brief wave of thinking my friend was psychic).  Clearly, I have done such a thorough job of communicating my slobitude to friends, that I have completely eliminated the need to warn them about it.  They expect nothing less than an expert level of disorganized, cluttered, slobtasticness!!!

I love it!

Complicate Your Life

Got too much time on your hands? Getting too much done?  It’s okay.  An easy way to avoid irksome efficiency is by committing yourself to as much as possible.  Take on new duties, gather obligations, and say an enthusiastic yes to every opportunity that comes your way.  You’ll be missing appointments, half-assing important projects, and spreading general disappointment in no time!!!

Celebrate Your Stuff

Remember that more is more…which is always better when it comes to stuff.  Collect as much as possible, because everyone likes someone with lots of fun toys and cool conversation pieces around the house.  Never throw out papers, because you’ll always need them again for some sort of legal dispute.  Hang on to clothing as long as possible because the trend cycle is moving much faster these days, and those knee-length neon bicycle shorts should be in style again in about a month.

Pack Your Place

Make sure you are putting enough effort into filling every corner of your house with things.  Rid yourself of annoying open spaces, and get creative.  Find new ways to store items that nobody has ever thought of before.  Hang bras from lampshades, store dishes in the microwave, and create a stockpile of socks on the dog bed.

Hone Your Routine

Sleep in, make important phone calls while driving, buy expensive coffee, and do whatever you can in the time that’s left…or just hang on the couch and watch reality TV.

Live Your Dream

Set your expectations low.  This way you’ll always feel like you’ve accomplished something.  Reward yourself often for small achievements…like making it to work, finding your keys, and wearing two of the same shoe.  Invite friends over often to let them admire your dazzling den of clutter.

Tap into Resources

Call on friends to help you make excuses whenever possible.  Borrow the things you can’t find.  Expect praise whenever you arrive anywhere less than an hour late.  That’s what REAL friends do!  You are a happy and independent slob, and it’s your turn to stand tall!

Two very pervasive thoughts kept running through my head all day today.

1) With it finally starting to get a bit chilly out, I really Really want to go shopping for a new fall wardrobe.

And.

2) I don’t have room for a new fall wardrobe, in fact, I don’t have room for my current wardrobe.

My closet has begun to invade other parts of my house including the bed, the laundry room, the floor, various doorways, and an innocent chair which hasn’t seen the light of day in months.  In theory, of course, I should begin to eliminate the items I don’t need in order to make room for some lovely new items of fall clothing.  Well, I can tell you right now as I sit here avoiding it that that’s not going to happen.

So what are my options?  Well I can build up for one.  Items of clothing which I have have deemed unacceptable to wear…but don’t want to bother ridding myself of can be moved to the floor.  This will build up over time, providing an excellent ramp on which I can balance while grabbing new clothes.

Another idea is to avoid the whole closet system altogether and continue tossing everything onto the guest bed, as I have been.  The cream will naturally rise to the top I think.

Finally, if I spend enough money that I don’t have and buy enough new clothes, the new items should sufficiently hide the old ones, and soon they won’t bother me at all.  What you can’t see must not exist…I always say!

My boyfriend’s biggest pet peeve with me (yes, I’ve been able to keep a man despite my slovenly ways) is my treatment of softener sheets.  He can’t understand why I never throw them away after I use them.  He finds them on the floor, under the bed, on the bed, and floating throughout the house.

First of all, softener sheets are very pretty.  They look like little gossamer fairies flying about the house, and I don’t know why he can’t appreciate that.  Beyond that, I don’t think he understands my whole laundry system.  The softener sheet gets tossed in there with the laundry, and then who knows where it goes?  I think goes into deep hiding until it reappears…generally under his angry foot.

Now I know it would probably help if I actually put my laundry away, instead of piling it on our spare bedroom bed.  Then I might uncover those covert softener sheets in the process.  But that pile makes it so easy to find everything.  If I need a shirt, or a towel, or a sock or two, hey, look, there it is!  It’s all right there in my bed pile where I need it.  I just wish he’d understand that instead of shaming my inner slob.

For now I’ve taken to picking up random used softener sheets I find on the floor and tossing them at him.  That way he can see that I am now making a concerted effort to notice where those little sheets are going.  It also gives him the opportunity to throw them away, since he’s the one who’s bothered by them in the first place.