The Slob BlogBecause slobs need love too!

Worried about your house’s Feng Shui? Move all the piles of paper or clothes in your house or office into one giant pile.  This allows the shui to move smoothly around your things and get the hell out.  You can feel safe that most of the shui is gone when your tower falls over. 

Procrastinating is the one thing I will not allow you to put off my friends.  It is a vital part of the slob lifestyle and if you are going to ever learn to be a really good slob, than this is one trick you’d better perfect.  The more you get done, the less you are procrastinating so stop doing things for goodness sake!  Take a deep breath, enjoy your life, and ask yourself, “What’s the damn hurry!”

What is Procrastination?

Procrastination can be defined as putting off doing something until the last possible moment.  No way.  This confused definition of procrastination is the reason that millions of what could be perfectly happy slobs are sitting around right now pulling their hair out and scolding themselves for not being more disciplined.  Procrastination is doing something.  When you are procrastinating, you are actively taking part in not doing something.  So it’s not that you are just sitting there contemplating your navel (not that there’s anything wrong with that if contemplating your navel is what you choose to be doing*)

When you procrastinate, there is generally one, or many, very specific things that you are working very hard not to do.  The guilty feeling that goes along with procrastination actually disrupts this active avoidance of tasks, and, therefore, makes you less productive.  That’s right.  If you let yourself feel guilty about procrastinating, you waste good procrastination time, and you become an unproductive procrastinator.  Now that is a true tragedy.

Slobs are naturally forgetful people, and personally, I’m a fan of forgetting things.  Doing so rids me of the pesky inconvenience of having to remember them.  It also saves me time, money, and wrapping paper.  That said, for some reason, birthdays are one of those things people (especially those who like to have reasons to make you feel guilty) expect you to remember.  In the very likely case that you HAVE forgotten someone’s birthday, here are a few marginally effective tips to help you handle the situation.

Flattery: This is a timeless technique that instantly puts the person back on your side.  Say something like, “You’ve always had this timeless quality about you, and it’s hard for me to believe you ever have birthdays.”

Creativity: Once you forget the birthday, go ahead and wait another 3-6 months before you call the person.  Tell them you didn’t want your birthday wish for them to get lost in the crowd.  You were just trying to be original.

Invent a Reason: If you remember the birthday later that night, but you are afraid it is too late to call them, wait another few hours until the middle of the morning.  Call them at 3 or 4AM and say, “Oops, I am observing, live like another time zone day.  It’s 8:00 PM here.”  They’ll be sure to laugh right along with you.

Distraction: Call them and tell them something really horrible, like your dog was hit by a car and will now have to hop the rest of his life.  Cry very hard and get the birthday boy or girl to cry along with you.  When you have both cried your hearts out significantly say, “Just kidding, happy belated birthday.”  The birthday boy or girl will be so relieved that little Scruffy is okay that he or she wont have any energy left to be angry at you for forgetting a silly little birthday.

Two very pervasive thoughts kept running through my head all day today.

1) With it finally starting to get a bit chilly out, I really Really want to go shopping for a new fall wardrobe.

And.

2) I don’t have room for a new fall wardrobe, in fact, I don’t have room for my current wardrobe.

My closet has begun to invade other parts of my house including the bed, the laundry room, the floor, various doorways, and an innocent chair which hasn’t seen the light of day in months.  In theory, of course, I should begin to eliminate the items I don’t need in order to make room for some lovely new items of fall clothing.  Well, I can tell you right now as I sit here avoiding it that that’s not going to happen.

So what are my options?  Well I can build up for one.  Items of clothing which I have have deemed unacceptable to wear…but don’t want to bother ridding myself of can be moved to the floor.  This will build up over time, providing an excellent ramp on which I can balance while grabbing new clothes.

Another idea is to avoid the whole closet system altogether and continue tossing everything onto the guest bed, as I have been.  The cream will naturally rise to the top I think.

Finally, if I spend enough money that I don’t have and buy enough new clothes, the new items should sufficiently hide the old ones, and soon they won’t bother me at all.  What you can’t see must not exist…I always say!

My boyfriend’s biggest pet peeve with me (yes, I’ve been able to keep a man despite my slovenly ways) is my treatment of softener sheets.  He can’t understand why I never throw them away after I use them.  He finds them on the floor, under the bed, on the bed, and floating throughout the house.

First of all, softener sheets are very pretty.  They look like little gossamer fairies flying about the house, and I don’t know why he can’t appreciate that.  Beyond that, I don’t think he understands my whole laundry system.  The softener sheet gets tossed in there with the laundry, and then who knows where it goes?  I think goes into deep hiding until it reappears…generally under his angry foot.

Now I know it would probably help if I actually put my laundry away, instead of piling it on our spare bedroom bed.  Then I might uncover those covert softener sheets in the process.  But that pile makes it so easy to find everything.  If I need a shirt, or a towel, or a sock or two, hey, look, there it is!  It’s all right there in my bed pile where I need it.  I just wish he’d understand that instead of shaming my inner slob.

For now I’ve taken to picking up random used softener sheets I find on the floor and tossing them at him.  That way he can see that I am now making a concerted effort to notice where those little sheets are going.  It also gives him the opportunity to throw them away, since he’s the one who’s bothered by them in the first place.

Like to do work at Starbucks, but running out of ways to waste useful time?  Follow these handy tips and you’ll be getting nothing done in no time!

1. Come up with an overly complex coffee order and practice it over an over again in your head.  Write it down for reference and be sure to have a look of indignation ready for when the barista looks at you with that pissed off, “are you really doing this to me?” look on his or her face.
2. Choreograph a dance routine to the in-house music.  Perform it for your fellow patrons.
3. Watch the ridiculous faces people make while looking at their laptops.
4. Spill your drink everywhere.  Get as many people as possible involved in the clean-up process.  See if you can borrow a caution cone.  All big spills are better with cones.  Keep saying in a loud voice, “I never do things like this…really!”
5. Shop for coffee implements you’ll never use.
6. Quiz the barista on the differences between the Sumatran and Guatemalan blends.
7. Pick someone to stare at.  Continue to do so until they look like they’re about to punch you, then flee in fear.  If you still feel guilty about ditching your work, wait until they actually punch you, then go home and get some ice.
8. Start offering sexual favors in exchange for free lattes.  Do so until the police are called.  Escape on foot.
9. Lock yourself in the bathroom until you come up with a reason to have a panic attack.  Then have one.  It’s not necessary to leave the bathroom for this purpose…in fact…being locked in a enclosed space adds realism.  Just be sure to scream a lot and pound on the door.
10. Start writing a list of ways to procrastinate while working at Starbucks.  It worked for me : )

Welcome!  This is the place where your inner slob can feel free to express his or herself.  Disorganized slobs like us are used to having to hide our true nature.  We’re told it’s wrong, dirty, and unnatural to be a disorganized wreck.  But I’m here to tell you that this kind of thinking is a big sloppy pile of B.S.  Being a cluttered, scatterbrained, disorganized slob is the most natural thing in the world, and your inner slob is crying out for a hug.

Let your inner slob know that you’re not afraid to be you.  Sing it to the hills.  I’m a slob and I’m proud to be me!

A Slob’s Life